I never intended on sharing my life story with the world....or with most people for that matter. Mostly, I never wanted it to seem like I was out for sympathy and I didn't think anyone would ever care about hearing details of my life. Other than people who personally know me and actually seen my life first hand, I have only shared this with very few. But, after opening up to these few people, they made me realize that if I open up and share my story maybe I can help someone who is living the same way. To show them there is hope and freedom and I am here to tell you... there is. So, if I can help just ONE person, then it'll be worth it. I have often heard people say there isn't such thing as mental abuse...THERE is. I lived it. Longer than I should have. Lesson learned. This doesn't hit the amount of MENTAL abuse I endured. I lived this life for nearly 11 years, in hopes of change. People like this never change. All it did was break me. Made me lose any self respect I had. Most days I felt lost. Food was my comfort. I got to where I didn't care about myself. But, today, my life is a total turn around. I've never been happier or more loved and in love. With someone new of course. But, never the less HAPPINESS can happen. I promise, I have lived through hell and back. Happiness, love, support commitment and determination has helped me lose 60 pounds and I'm still going. So here is my story...well, the gist of it.
I got married at the age of 19, I like to say I was young and dumb, excited to be a grown up. Later that year, I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. My first "incident" of abuse that I can recall was on the way to a doctors appointment (around 6 months along), I was driving and we were talking, I said something he didn't agree with and next thing I know he had knocked my head against the window. That was probably the start of the bad. Around this time our marriage started to change. He got to where he would yell at me and call me a name here and there. He didn't like my family coming around, unless it was at his benefit. I didn't have friends. His family were my only friends. During that pregnancy I gained a good 50 pounds. but I lost the weight really fast after having her. Not everything was bad at this time. Then, 21 months later I gave birth to my son, I gained 70ish pounds with his pregnancy. I really thought I would lose it quickly after having him. I was wrong! I was unhappy and depressed. Completely stressed. He worked, I stayed home with the kids. I loved being able to stay home with them, but he would throw it at me that I didn't make money staying home...and he didn't like to give me any. Things progressively got worse. I was scared to do anything, I was scared to leave the house, especially if he didn't know before hand. He's one of those who is right, even when wrong type people. I was always having to hide things from him, so I didn't get yelled at...for stupid things like, how much I spent at the store or who called on the phone that day. I almost wished we didn't have a phone, so it wouldn't ring. If I didn't have dinner ready by 5 when he got off of work, I had hell to pay... I got accused of everything under the sun. And if I burnt something or forgot to make something, I was IN TROUBLE. In his mind everything was about money...why show me love when he could just go buy me a new car (every other year)? Yes, who doesn't like a new car, but, I would've chose to be treated like a human over a new car. I turned to eating. It was all I had. I tried leaving him when my kids were 2 and 4, but he swore he would change and I believed him. Things seemed to be going great. I got pregnant again several months later AND then he went back to his old self. But, worse. I couldn't go ANYWHERE alone. At one point he would stand outside of the bathroom door and wait until I came out...he was making sure I wasn't calling someone. He did most anything that needed to be done outside of the house. I couldn't even go visit my grandma. All he ever wanted to do was fight. With this pregnancy I gained around 16 pounds and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and I remember when the dietitian was teaching me how to do the insulin shots, she wanted him to try also and I refused! I hated needles enough as it was, I sure didn't want his help. Then, she was teaching him things to do in case of emergency, I thank God I never had to rely on him for any of that. I gave birth to a healthy baby girl shortly after. The months to follow were no different. He ended up sick and in the hospital, (we lived an hour from the hospital) so I decided to stay with my mom, for the help and to be close to the hospital. Why? I have no idea. Why did I care, when he didn't? When I told him I was staying with her, he cussed me. That day, my mom went and added me to her cell phone plan. It was a secret. She wanted me to have it in case of an emergency and so I could have contact with family without being yelled at. Sad thing is, that week he was in the hospital was one of the nicest weeks I had in years. Nobody telling me what to do, I could drive around and not have to worry about being cussed for driving somewhere! I could answer the phone! After he returned home, I remember locking myself in the bedroom after a fight, just crying because I wanted out, HOPING for a change. I knew I was the only one in control of this. But, I didn't work, had no money, 3 kids and nowhere to go. I just didn't understand why he hated me so much. All I ever tried to do was keep the peace and have a happy life. But, it was far from any of that. We had gotten into a horrible fight one day and he said some AWFUL things to me. One, pretty much saying he didn't care if I was dead...just not in so many words. I took him seriously. That night I slept with my oldest daughter (who was almost 7) and laid there thinking of my plan to leave as he watched stalked me from around the corner. That morning, I packed up most of the house (with the help of his sister) while he was at work and took some money he had hid from me and got the heck out of there. We stayed with his family for a few days, then we went to my moms. The saying, blood is thicker than water is TRUE. They quickly turned on me. Within a few months I got me an apartment and got life situated. Things were good. I was happier than I had been in a very long time. He slowly started coming around being nice, wanting to do things as a family (first time ever). I didn't fall for it right away I kept my distance. We stayed separated for a year before I decided I would give him another chance. He moved in with us. I thought this way things were in my favor. If anyone was to move it would be him. Well, this was fine for a few months, then we started looking at buying another house. We found one, bought it and moved in. AGAIN, everything was fine for a short time. Slowly, his old way crept back in. I can't tell you how stupid I felt. How heartbroken I was. How BROKEN I was. Being cussed daily, there wasn't A DAY that went by I wasn't called a stupid "B" or a whore, told I was worthless, stupid, good for nothing, etc. really payed a toll on my mind. Eventually, after years of hearing this I believed him. It was like he brainwashed me. I was SCARED to make decisions or think for myself, so I looked to him for all of that. If I chose the wrong thing, I was yelled at and cussed. I became severely depressed. He used to tell me nobody will ever want me, while he will have a line of women outside of his door. Because, I just didn't know how good I have it and they would appreciate him. Funny how a man who belittles women, even his own mother can expect appreciation. Someone who didn't care if I got a flat tire or ran out of gas because he didn't think he should have to give me gas money. Thank God for my dad, who helped me many times in those situations! During this time I reconnected with my best friend from high school...which he couldn't stand. Even though we didn't talk to each other for around 8 years, we picked up like we never stopped. She listened to me and like everyone else she told me to get out. Somehow I would make it. My weight had reached its all time high (highest that I know, I tried to stay away from the scale) of 245. I did diets and walked but, I had no "umph", he would tell me, I need to face it I was fat and I will always be fat. No, I was unhappy and stressed to the max, so I masked it with food. I made myself fat, but I knew I was the only one who could change it. I continued walking on eggshells, never knowing what was going to happen minute to minute. He could be fine and acting happy and the slightest thing would set him off. Made me scared to do anything. I was never good enough. I allowed this for 2 more years. Listening to him cuss me, yell at me and degrade before I said enough is enough. One big moment for me, was having family members from both sides tell me they worried about getting a phone call saying he killed me and the kids. That was enough. I was tired of being married to someone who obviously HATED me. I had mentioned divorce several times, but he wouldn't go for it. I told him he didn't want to be married to me and I didn't want to be married him anymore, so let's just get divorced and move on. He didn't take me seriously. In his eyes, I just wanted money out of him. On February 2, 2011, I made a decision I was leaving and I chose the date of March 1, 2011 (third times a charm, right?!). Only a few people knew of my plan. In that month I packed (what he couldn't see) and on March 1st I moved out with the help of my best friend (who risked it all to help me, even going back to the house ALONE to get stuff that we left behind), again while he was at work. It was by the Grace of God he didn't come home while we were packing our cars...he only works 5 min from the house. It was one of the scariest, most happiest days of my life (more than the 1st time I left)! We stayed with my mom again, but this time I got some help through a women's shelter. They recommended a lawyer, I filed for divorce and 4 months later it was finalized. This time, I moved away and never looked back. I was happy to be "free".I have gone through days of deep depression, thinking I'm not good enough or wondering why someone could love me or would love me. I'm sure part of me will always be "cracked". Everyday is a new day and I have learned so much about myself. In 21 months, I have done more than in my entire adult life. Seriously, some of the smallest, simplest things you do everyday, I've just now done. I had always said I wish I could go back to that 19 year old girl because there is so much I would do over. But, I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't have 3 great kids. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes...everyone does. I've learned a great deal from mine. It has taught me to appreciate people not things. That happiness and love come first. Today, I have a GREAT man. He is my biggest supporter and has shown me what it feels like to be loved. He has shown me that not all men are that way. That I am capable of anything I put my mind to. The power of someone loving you and believing in you is one of the greatest gifts. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be a part of Beachbody (he bought me P90X for my birthday). Life is just now beginning for me and I love it! I will live it to the fullest! I can go on and on, but, I'm not. I know I'm not the only one to live like this. So, if you do, I just want you to know there are ways out of relationships like this. There is HOPE. There are "happily ever afters". If you need someone to talk to, who has been there, message me.... add me on Facebook. I know the fear of talking about it and worrying it will get back some how. ANYTHING said is ALWAYS confidential.
My life lesson here.....
These words are truer than TRUE!!
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***Emotional Abuse: the debasement of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive himself or herself as inept, not cared for, and worthless.***
" Love without compassion is possessive, controlling, and dangerous."
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